Q. What size bra does a mermaid wear?
A. Sea Cup!
Scuba Pickup Lines
1. Do you believe in love at first sight or shall I swim back and forth a few more times?
2. I’m a Bar Jack and I want to make a Damsel Grunt with my Blue Tang — can you Rock, Beauty?
3. I’m looking for a French Angel with large gills, and I think I’ve found her — are you French?
4. Do you have change for the phone? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.
5. I can’t find my pet crab – can you help me find him? I think he went down to the deserted end of the beach.
6. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaica me crazy.
7. I like to maintain my own equipment — you look like someone I’d like to “tinker” around with.
8. I’m new at the resort — could you give me directions to your room?
9. I think there’s something wrong with my regulator. Could you hold the first stage while I check out the second stage?
10. Please excuse my panting – I am out of air, because you take my breath away.
11. Excuse me, I’m lost. May I go home with you?
12. Is the sun in your eyes, or did you just smile at me?
Three instructors and their students are on board a dive boat in the middle of the ocean— there’s a NAUI instructor, a PADI instructor, and an SSI instructor. Everything is going fine, until the boat springs a leak, and starts to sink.
The SSI instructor says to his students, “Okay… we’re in the middle of the ocean, so we might as well do our deep dive.”
The NAUI instructor says to his students, “Okay… we might as well do our navigation dive, so let’s get our compasses out and swim towards shore.”
The PADI instructor says to his students, “Okay… for $25 extra you guys get to do a wreck dive!”
You may be a Redneck Diver if:
You are saving your Old Milwaukee beers cans to melt down into another AL 80 tank
You think nitrox is a fancy fertilizer for the garden
Your local dive shop is one half of a double wide trailer, thus the dive shop is located next to one side of the town dump and you live just on the other side of it or you live in the other half of the same double wide trailer
You think Trimix is a BBQ sauce that contains rum, corn squeezins, AND beer
You've ever bought any of your dive equipment at Wal-Mart
You think hydrostatic testing is one of those fancy new college entrance exams
Your weight belt has a giant brass WWF wrestling buckle on it
You refer to your purge button as the "turbo skoal ejection system"
You’ve ever had any of your equipment left on land during a shore dive taken by possums or armadillos
You’ve painted your scuba tanks with John Deer green house paint
You made your fins by gluing plastic plates to the bottom of flip flops
Your first dive light was made with a lava lamp and stolen car battery
You’ve heard someone talking about steel tanks and you thought it meant acquiring equipment without the usual exchange of money
You think the term "blowout" means you'll have to be sitting on an inflated rubber doughnut for awhile
Your good working air compressor is sitting atop the old, non working one..in the living room
When ever you are taking your tanks apart for inspection, you have an irresistible urge to put them up on blocks in the front yard
Your lift bag looks just like a giant pink flamingo
You think a tide chart is for keeping track of when and where the Auburn football team is playing
When your wetsuit gets worn out, you don’t replace it, you get it retreaded
The first underwater hand sign you learned was the "thumbs up"which means"lets get topside and get another beer"
The second underwater hand signal you learned was to "point to your own ass with the index finger" which means "hey ya’ll watch this"
The third underwater hand signal you learned was a raised middle finger and you use it both underwater and above water quite frequently
Either you or your dive partner is named "Bubba" as written on the birth certificate
Your dive boat is named the "General Lee"
Your dive flag bears a resemblance to the rebel flag
You are building a working replica of the civil war submersible Hunely out of surplus 55 gallon drums..just in case there is another episode of northern aggression
Your dive hood has a coon tail tied to the back of it which you wear proudly
Your diving weights were made out the wheel rims you took off of your trailer and melted down
Your first dive weights were make outta used and frayed yellow ski rope and cinder blocks
Your first BC consisted of the 1 gallon milk jugs and more of the same ski rope
Your BC you use today is the same one you started out with(jugs)
Your dive boat has a front porch on it complete with dead potted plants, a full spittoon, and 3 large garbage bags filled with beer cans waiting to be recycled into a new tank for you.
You think manta rays are those killer beams of light that shoot out that those guns the alien invaders use in those talkin’ picture shows
You keep a 12 gauge & a spear gun next to front door in case those alien invaders ever show up
You have a dive buddy who was abducted and "probed" by those same aliens
You think dive safety means keeping the safety on when your diving with your 12 gauge
It took you 4 summers, 150 tank fills, and 6 brands of spear guns before you were able to get that 20 lb bass that is mounted on the living room wall
That bass is the biggest accomplishment of your life.
Apparently the other bass you have mounted on the other wall sings "Don’t worrybe happy" if you talk or clap
You think a high pressure hose is one of those fancy garden hoses they have in the Wal-Mart lawn and garden section
You know what a low pressure hose is because you already have one leaking everywhere out in the front yard
You think a regulator is one of those guys that was always giving your grandspappy grief for making and selling moonshine during prohibition
You think a dry suit is the legal action your buddy over in the next county is taking to allow him to sell liquor at his bait and tackle store
Your wife, sister, and mother ALL dive and it only takes one set of equipment for them to all dive at the same time
Your dive boat has a bumper sticker that says "If spear guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have spear guns"
You think "limits" for lobster means some kind of new age touchy, feely crap for disciplining them
Your pressure gauge does double duty back home on the pressure cooker
You find your spare air very handy during Mexican dinner night
You think heliox is one of those mythological Greek gods
You think decompression is French for "the educated"
You think embolism is that killer disease they decidedly have in Africa
You plan your diving vacation and schedule it around the local mullet festivals
You think first stage means you have genital herpes but the sores aren’t showing
You are sure you know what second stage means because you have the herpes sores to show for it
Your boat anchor consist of a really big cinder block with even more of that old, frayed yellow ski rope
You didn’t actually buy any of that old yellow ski rope. You stole if off of the big tree next to the ole swimming hole
You think the 1/3rds rule is for telling you how much beer your currently allowed to drink before the first dive
When someone talks about getting a good o-ring seal you imagine some kind of kinky sex act
When someone says the words "DIN fitting" you think its some kind of obscure Scottish word
When someone says "yoke", you think they are talking about eggs
You use the same tag for your boat, your truck, and your trailer
You have two dive knifes, and they are both leatherman tools duct taped to your weight belt
You think deco limits refers to how long they can legally keep you in the local slammer to sober you up
You think a dive computer is that county tax guy who comes by your trailer every few years and tells you how much your tax bill is
Your dive scooter has a gun rack and an NRA sticker on it
There are used & crushed beer cans in the empty spaces inside your dive scooter
You’ve accidentally publicly set off a gun while it was IN the rack on your dive scooter
As such your dive scooter has mud flaps with chrome naked women on them
Your dive scooter has both a CB radio and an 8 track tape player, neither of which work
Your dive scooter has a CB antennae with a worn out tennis ball on the top of it
There is a winch on the front of your dive scooter and your rich buddy has one on the front AND one on the back
There are spots on your dive scooter that consist of nothing but red primer and bondo
You paid more for your dive scooter than you did for you trailer, truck, boat, or anything else you own
Any of your dive equipment has been personally blessed by Jimmy Swaggart
You think isolation manifold is some political way of saying America should strategically stay out the rest of the world’s business
When you talk about the depth of a site..depth sounds like it has an F or two in it
In essence you’ve ever used propane bottles and the air compressor at the local Piggly Wiggly to set up a dive
You think red tide is some new commie football team
You voluntarily think DIR is the word/sound somebody is supposed to use after someone else has made any statement
You think buddy breathing is one of those gay couple things you don’t wanna know about
You think the bends is that unmentionable act that happens when guy goes to prison
You’ve had several cases of the bends, but for some reason your DAN insurance would never cover it
You’ve ever used kuzdu on your safety reel during a cave dive
You and your dive buddies do civil war reenactments underwater and each of your buddies owns more than one costume
You think the word flounder is what your truck does when you try to drive across the crick during a heavy rain
You think alternate air supply means the surface
When you go diving your more worried about alligators, cotton mouths, mosquitoes, and irate moonshiners than you are sharks, strong tides, or tropical storms
When you first heard about ice diving you couldn’t believe the surface of a body of water could actually get hard
Your youngest son was old enough to be a scuba instructor before you were of legal drinking age
The trailer you use to pull your boat is smaller than the one you use to pull your BBQ grill and both trailers have won first place at a monster truck show
You’ve won first early place at the tri county BBQ cook-off and the grill you used for cooking was made out of an AL 80 tank cut in half
When someone mentions GPS, usually you think its one of them "women things"
When you go in and ask for an "air fill on my tanks" it takes you longer to say the word air than it does to say the rest of the sentence
You think the phrase "jumpin’ the gap" refers to some military technique used by General Lee in the civil war
Laying Line sounds good to you, but you don’t know who she is or where she lives
You are always more worried about how much beer is in the cooler than you are about how much air is in the tank or gas is in the boat
Your snorkel is made out of PVC fittings and it leaks
You think dual manifold refers to a high performance carb system for your truck
You think a high flying dive flag means "race over here at high speed we've found stuff you can shoot and eat down below"
You favorite scuba tank is covered in NASCAR stickers and your second tank has a Quaker State sticker on it
You’ve quit diving with some dive partners because they like a different NASCAR driver
You think moray eel is the name of some famous Jewish guy
You think back plate refers to the second helpings you get at the local all you can eat rib joint
You use an empty plastic coke bottle to tell how deep you are
Every place you dive has one of two depths: deep and durn deep
You think conch is what happens in a bar room brawl when someone gets a beer bottle upside the head
You’ve intentionally lived on your boat on several occasions and it wasn’t in the water when you lived on it
Anyone got any more? Email me: firstname.lastname@example.org or post up here!